Dear Readers of this blog,
I have been doing extremely well in my treatment. I’m now pretty stable. It has taken me two years to get to this state of mind. I’ve learned that it’s possible. I learned to try to focus on the light instead of the darkness. I believe that all of you can do this. I have faith in each and everyone of you that you can get better. It takes a lot of hard work, but it is worth it. This doesn’t mean that my depression is cured or my intrusive thoughts. I still deal with those things, but I’ve learned to cope. I just want to give a big thank you to all of my followers and the kind people who have supported me and even have reached out to me and messaged me throughout my struggles. I will always be grateful towards those who have appreciated my writing. Just for now this is goodbye, but a very positive one. I’m going to continue to move forward in my life and try to capture each of those precious moments that come my way. I thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. Keep your head up and stay strong. Continue to persevere.
I can’t deal with all these changes. These teenagers isolate me. I feel alienated. I do stand out, but nobody bothers to notice, only if they are thinking quietly to themselves in the back of their conscience, thinking of all the insults in the world they could direct at me. Why am I a loner? At night I lay awake in bed journaling my thoughts and then I pretend that somebody else wrote them, I do this so I won’t feel alone. I stay up and listen to the night cry silently. I don’t know why my brain was built like this. I told a man that I always get stuck on the thought of jumping off things and killing myself. He said to me that one day I will be flying instead of falling. I’ve been thinking about that ever since he said it. I try to make sense of it because that sentence was powerful with a caring side filled with a mixture of emotions. Life is filled with a mixture of emotions.
Why am I like this? I’m madder than the mad hatter. My soul is a pit of rage. My mind is filled with toxic waste that has been building up since my first breath of air. I’m not going to sugar coat the life that I live just to please everyone around me. I’m not well, I never will be. I’ll always be a mess and I cannot pick myself up. I’ve lost all of my strength, yet it is still hidden within my heart and at times I just walk right pass it. I’m broken and nobody can fix me at this point.